Do It For The Kids

“I can’t quit my job right now. I’ll wait until the kids graduate or get a little older”. “Then I can start looking for something I like better”. “I can’t move. The kids love this house! Their friends live on this street. They would be devastated if I took that job in another town”. “I can’t go back to school yet. Because the kids need me at home”. “I can’t even think of leaving him/her. The kids won’t understand. They will hate me. We must stay together for them. I can hold out until they are all out of the house”.  

Listen. We all know how much you love your children. They are our life. But sometimes we put them way out front. And by doing this, you are teaching them that your needs and wants are not important. That it’s all about them. Their happiness is the only thing that matters. You, my friend, are raising entitled children.

Everybody tiptoes around them. They must not get upset. And that is how they are going to enter adulthood. You are not doing them any favors…trust me.

Why would you want to fake happiness and fulfillment around your children? They know when you are “faking” it. Trust me. I made the same mistake. I ran around trying to make my home perfect. Made the perfect meals. Stayed home with them, so they always had a parent available. I ran errands for them.  Gave them rides to school every day. Went to all their soccer, baseball, basketball, football, wrestling, etc… Attended all their school events. Volunteered at every fundraiser. Had all the epic birthday parties. Holidays. I was a “Present Mom”.

But I was miserable mom. I was too busy being Donna Reed to do me. I was trying to recondition my mind into believing that I could be happy if I just did everything perfect. I was showing the world what a good mom and wife I could be. I was showing my family and friends how wonderful it was. But I missed socializing. I missed meeting new people. Adult conversation. I missed learning something new.  I missed “me time”. I knew in my heart, that I wasn’t using my true talents. The things I said I was going to do. The things I daydreamed about as a child. I went from a bad marriage, into a convenient one. So now, I live with that mistake, right? I need to just make the best of it for the children. It’s not their fault. They deserve a happy family. A perfect family.

Guess what happened? I grew resentful. I grew bitter. I grew restless. I became impatient. They noticed. They wondered why mom didn’t laugh as much anymore. Why didn’t she smile like before? They thought they were to blame. Arguments started. Things got really cold at home. Until the day came when I just couldn’t physically make myself do it anymore.  

It was tough. It was tough. My soon to be ex fought me tooth and nail. He didn’t follow the court order when it came to visitations. He became “fun” dad, who wanted to do things with them all the time, instead of traveling alone, or off hunting and fishing like he use to.

I was the bitch who kicked dad out and made everything horrible.  They didn’t want to spend time with me. There dad would beg and cry to me in front of them, So I gave in. I let their dad walk all over me like a damn door mat. He bad mouthed me every chance he could get. They would repeat things that I know they heard from him. I was amazed how he seemingly forgetting how “perfect” of a mother I was, now that he wasn’t living with me. Lesson learned: it doesn’t matter how perfect you make things for them. They will forget all of it when they are not in the picture anymore. Narcissism at it’s best.

I let him throw his tantrums. I let him bully me. But guess what? I was still on my own. I still had my freedom. I still got a job. I still had my self-respect. I did what I should’ve done years before. Or better yet…I should’ve confronted the problem head on early in the marriage and told him the truth on what I wanted for myself. My kids didn’t go anywhere. They may have distanced themselves during that time, but they still came home. And I let them. I never once made them choose sides. I could wait. The thing I learned through all this, was you can’t control what others will do or say. You can’t live in fear of the unknown. I had no idea my husband was going to react like such a tantrum throwing toddler, but I lived through it. My kids lived through it. And I hope they see how their mother held herself during all of it. I never stooped to his level. Never. That would have made it worse.

Let them say things about you. Let them throw stones. A year from now, they will be throwing stones at someone else. They forget all about your struggles. Do what you need to do. Do it for you, and not your children. You can be the most imperfect person in the world, and still show your children love. They will still love you. If they can manipulate you, they will. Don’t let them. You are not their friend. You are their mother. But if you think the only reason, they love you is because you drive a certain car. Make a certain amount of money. Live in a certain kind of house. Give them a ride to school every day. You need to do a life audit. Why do you think that? Is that all you are giving them? Is that all you are showing them?

Do not live your life for your children. Live your life for you and include your children into your life. Let them see how talented you are. Let them see how goal orientated you are. Let them see how hard you work to get to your dream. They are watching and learning from you. Show them they too, can do it. Show them how. Don’t show them how to settle. Don’t teach them how to become submissive. Don’t show them how to live just to survive. Show them how wonderfully fucked up the world can be, and that they can still keep going. They can climb over the roadblocks. They can create a new life for themselves. Not live by someone else’s rules, or ideals. Teach them how to have a love relationship with themselves before you can be truly happy with someone else. Teach them that they can still live a happy life without the show pieces like the picture-perfect house, fancy car, brand name expensive clothing, etc… That piece of mind is the most precious commodity you can own. Show them how you can make mistakes, but not lay down and give up because of them.

That is the only thing you should be “doing for the kids”. The one thing they will remember and love about you. The very thing they will repeat with their children. The life tools that they will need. The gifts of honesty, faith, and resilience.