Gaslighting

I was recently asked by a close friend of mine, to talk about Gaslighting. Now for those of you that do not know what this term means, the definition of gaslighting, is to manipulate someone by psychological means, into questioning their own sanity. They sow seeds of doubt in the victim, to where they start questioning their own memory, perception, or judgment. This process evokes low self-esteem, and the victim becomes dependent on the gaslighter, for emotional support and validation. The goal here is to destabilize and make someone doubt their beliefs and goals.

The forms of gaslighting are verbal abuse, name calling, blaming, bullying, making the person the constant butt of their jokes, and comparing them to others.

The Women’s’ Health Magazine describes the 9 signs of Gaslighting.

1. Your partner flips everything around on you. Such as, you confront them with a question, and they make you think that you shouldn’t be asking that question. Why would you ask me that? What’s wrong with you? You are crazy for thinking that.
2. They make you feel bad about yourself. They cause you to feel stupid, or silly. They say things like, “why would you say that? That’s dumb”. “Why do you have to be this way? You need help”.
3. They isolate you. Extremely dangerous. They start making you feel bad if you don’t want to hang out with them. They constantly want alone time with you. They question your relationship with your friends. “She’s got a bad reputation…why are you hanging out all the time”? “People are going to talk. They’ll think you are just like her”. “She’s a man hater, that’s why she’s taking your side”. “Don’t listen to your sister, she’s crazy. Why are you taking advice from her? Look at her life”. Just a few examples. Sound familiar?
4. Your concerns are disregarded. “you are out of line for thinking that. You are over-stepping your boundaries. Your accusations are invalid. Are you going to believe those people over me”?
5. You have trust issues. Now, some people do have trust issues from past relationships, and they tend to creep into future relationships. Make sure you take the time needed after a breakup to heal. Otherwise you will have issues with this. But gaslighters like to repeat this with everyone. They use it to do pretty much what they want to do, and you are just supposed to trust them. If you don’t, then you have an issue. Not them.
6. They make you reconsider past events. An example…Remember that party last year, where they got so drunk and verbally abusive, and started calling you names? Well, they didn’t get drunk. The reason they were mad, was because of your actions. You caused them to drink more than usual, and they lost their temper because you were out of line. They never own up to their crap, and they never, ever, ever apologize for anything they said or did. PERIOD.
7. They straight up call you crazy. Think about this. Do you have people in your life that love you always calling you crazy, unstable, paranoid, or over dramatic? This is not endearing at all. This is emotional warfare at it’s finest. They tell everybody you overreact. That you make shit up and just want to cause a scene. Blah blah blah…look out for someone who is always talking smack behind their “so called” love’s back. People in love don’t do that.
8. You are scared to confront them. You don’t want to rock the boat. Is it worth it? They are just going to make you feel stupid, or crazy. You will feel worse by trying to talk to them about something that is bothering you. So…you just shut your mouth. Not healthy AT ALL!!
9. They put your relationship on the line. Constantly. “Don’t you want to be with me”? “If this is how it’s going to be, I’m not doing It”. “This isn’t going to work if you keep acting this way”.  They threaten the relationship every time you confront them, with anything negative. They want you to feel so desperate about keeping them. They make it seem like leaving you would be the best solution, if you don’t keep quiet. They’ll just find someone else. They promise you during the good times, how they would never ever leave you, but threaten it ALL THE TIME!

Manipulation is an effort to control you. Mind games. Tricking you into blaming yourself. Promising something, and then not owning up to it. I never said that. You are making it up. I would never promise you that. Quit being so insecure. Don’t you love me? Don’t you trust me? Your friends hate me, that’s why you shouldn’t hang out with them. They are turning you against me.

All their exes were “pshyco”, or crazy.

We all have been affected by gaslighting in some form or another. Why you would choose to stay in a manipulated relationship, is exactly why you should get out. You are already affected. You are already being mentally altered.

They hate themselves so much, that they get satisfaction causing you to hate yourself.

You won’t change these kinds of people. Your sex, your understanding, your forgiveness, your love…nothing will ever work. They do no wrong in their minds, and it is all on you. You, and only you, are the reason for everything. You make or break the relationship. It has nothing to do with them.

If two people are not growing together, then they are growing apart. It is never one person’s responsibility to keep the love fire burning. You have every right to address any insecurities you have with the person you are supposed to love and trust, without feeling terrified.

Get the fuck out. Do not move in with them. Do not marry them. Do not have children with them. These kinds of people will do the same thing to their own children. They are fucked up, and don’t care about the effects of their behavior. Think of your unborn children. Do not give them parents like this. Please!

If you feel you are a victim of gaslighting, you need to go to a family member, or friend to help in leaving this person. You need to cut yourself completely off from them like a deadly habit. It is going to take a long time to get back to what you were emotionally. You may need assistance from a licensed therapist. Let them call you crazy. You will be living your best life without them. Please love yourself enough to stop the abuse. You’ll thank yourself later.