Nesting

I have been living in my new home for a little over one month now, and I am finding myself falling back into a pattern that does not allow creativity to flow as easily as it once did when I was living alone.

I don’t know if it’s from all the brainwashing as a child, being told that my home should come first, or because I’m a control freak and I like doing all the things and being in charge. Either way, I find myself, decorating, cleaning, throwing house parties, cooking, etc., and my little office with an amazing view remains idle and useless.

I do this every damn time I move in with a man. EVERY. I take on the role of housekeeper/event planner and fuck everything else. I am too busy making my house comfortable, to even attend to my creative needs.

But it makes me happy! Well…kind of. I mean, I love decorating and being creative in arranging dinners and parties. And, I might add, that it’s the holidays. Which means I am in heaven!

If you haven’t guessed already, I am a Type-A personality. I want to do it all, and I want to do it perfectly. Which means I probably won’t live to be an old woman. Studies show that these types of people are more likely to die of stress before their time.

My dreams of being a successful writer/blogger/podcaster are still on fire somewhere inside of me, but it seems that life wants me to slow down, if there is such a thing, and enjoy what is happening right now in my life.

Guilt and feelings of unworthiness and failure creep in from time to time, and I just whip up a new recipe or rearrange the living room, and they seem to go away.

Why is it so hard for a woman to have the best of both worlds? Why does she have to pick and choose what is important, when everything seems to have importance?

Are creative people just supposed to be messy and unorganized? Are successful people just bad housekeepers? It’s hilarious when you think about it?

Why is how my home looks so important to me? Because it is an expression of who you are. That’s the only thing that I can come up with. But do I want to be known as an amazing decorator, and housekeeper, or do I want to be a prominent writer? I want BOTH dammit!

Until I can figure out a creative and functioning schedule… I will be hopping on just periodically with a noncommittal and somewhat lax attitude. I have been living alone for 4 years in a little over 600 sq ft home with just my dog. I have so much space to spread out now. I can entertain again. I don’t know how to handle it. So please be patient with me. I still have an attitude and opinions on so many things going on in today’s society, but choose to quiet them for now, and go with the other creative outlets I have brewing inside of me.

Who knows? Maybe I will start blogging about Martha Stewart shit. I don’t know. Time will tell.