My Why

The picture you see is a screenshot off my phone as of 11pm last night.

This is my reality. This is why I have spent the last 2 years healing. This is why I published a book. This is why I started this blog. This is why I started my podcast. This is my “WHY.”

I share not for sympathy. For I have many blessings and am thankful for everything good I have in my life. I share because I have nothing to hide. I have done nothing wrong. But if it helps someone struggling with the same situation, I will have turned a negative into a positive.

I made the mistake of reaching out. I broke my low contact decision around 3 days ago. Guilted and softened by the holidays. The twinkling lights and flickering candles. The warmth from a kitchen oven baking cookies. The familiar feelings while listening to the soft hum of a Christmas carol on the radio. All of it affects you and plays with your emotions. It amplifies everything spinning around in your mind. It can cloud memories, and make them less harsh than they actually were. You forget the bad and crave the good times.

I thought that, with age, she wouldn’t be as powerful. That her soul was preparing for her last few years on this earth, and she would be a gentler and kinder woman.

The fifty or so texts before I stopped opening them, started out complimentary and cordial. But they kept coming at an abnormal rate, so I expected it to take a turn for the worse. As the day went on, bitterness crept in, and I began to feel the familiar sting. It all became fresh again. As if I were the child experiencing her wrath. Where was all this hatred and disdain coming from? Did she not hear herself? Could she not read what she was texting before she pushed send? It started at 8am and I was finished by 9pm. But, as you can see, the barrage of ugly kept coming. Even though I told her I had had enough and was going to bed.

The narcissist doesn’t care if you are tired. The narcissist doesn’t care if you are stressed. They don’t care if you are hurting. They don’t care about the holidays, birthdays, or any other special event going on in your world. They just want to be heard. They will do and say anything that will unload off of them, and onto you. They will relieve themselves at the expense of your feelings and yes…even your sanity.

I remembered days upon days of her ranting. And all the sleepless nights before school the next day. How did I survive? Why did I survive? What special power did I possess, even as a child, to know that this wasn’t normal? I always knew her behavior was toxic and dysfunctional. But, somehow, I thought it would lessen with age. That somehow, in her silver years, we would come together and be close. Not the case.

The narcissist sees no wrong in who they are. They do not need change. Everyone around them is expected to adapt and change their behavior to suit them. You are here to serve their needs.

They have no age. They have no reason. They do not possess tolerance and patience. There is no healing. There is no forgiveness. They have done nothing. It’s all on you.

So, I share to save someone the heartache of rekindling a relationship that is driven by false hope. It is never going to happen.

No matter the special event.

No matter what age.

No matter what health problems exist.

No matter how much money you have.

No matter who hard you try. It is never going to happen. PERIOD.

There is no remorse.

There is no regret.

There are no future plans.

They only exist in their mind, and everything must remain the same.

They crave control.

They crave to be right.

They want justice at any expense.

Just let it go. Heal anyway possible. No matter how long it takes. Sometimes it takes a lifetime. Then, allow yourself love and live your best life without them.

My wish for everyone is that you can close your eyes at night and sleep peacefully at night, knowing that you have done nothing to deserve their actions. You are going to be ok. You are amazing. You are loved. Happy Holidays and happy New Year!