Another Trip Around the Sun

I am another year older today. 57 years old, to be exact. Instead of being a little freaked out at the number of years I have already been on this earth, I can’t help but think that the next twenty are going to be filled with many firsts.

We all wait for our first of everything. Our first bike. First day of school. Our first dance. Our first drink. Our first love. Our first marriage. Our first child…the list goes on and on.

But when you are in the last twenty (I’m hoping for 30) years of your life, the “firsts” change into something that you are hesitant about.  First day of retirement. First age spot. First social security check. First prescribed blood-pressure pill. First serious illness. First immediate family/close friend death. You start recognizing classmates in the obituaries. It’s not something to look forward to. It is actually pretty daunting and will keep you up at night just thinking about it.

We as humans know we are going to die one day, but I don’t think we really believe it until the day actually comes. I believe it is a survival response. It is put right in us, so that we still get up every day and look forward to tomorrow. It keeps us dreaming of our future. It keeps us centered on our goals.

There is so much I have left to do. And I will. My body is my vessel. I don’t know God’s plan for it, but it has gotten me this far, and I will do my damnedest in making sure I take care of it the best way I possibly can. If that means quitting a few things, then so be it. I’d rather be labeled “boring” than dead at 60 from self-inflicted wounds.

 I plan on not giving a shit about the things that once bothered me. I won’t spend what’s rest of my life worrying about someone else’s opinion of me. I will let go of all the things that once held me back in life. Nothing will get in my way, for my days are numbered. I will say no to everything I no longer wish to do, as loudly as I can. I will not take unsolicited advice from someone who hasn’t spent a night in my bed or a day in my shoes. I will love my “true” friends more deeply and appreciate every one of them more than I have in the past. I will take nothing for granted. Because I am “owed” nothing. You get what you put into it. Maybe not right away, but in the end, I believe the payback is greater than expected.

I will dissolve all the negative thoughts that tell me I’m never going to get to where I want to be. I will change my mind more than ever. I will listen to new music. I will read more books than ever before. I will spend every summer outside with dirty fingernails and messy hair. I will no longer care how my body appears to others. If I feel healthy that is all that matters anymore. They can go fuck themselves. I will say fuck more. I will embrace every wrinkle that stubbornly (even with all the daily skin-care routines) decides to end up on my face. I will hug more. I will share everything I have left in this world with loved ones. I will wear that swimming suit more. I will pray more.

There are a lot of firsts yet to come. But I have decided that the good outweighs the bad. Bring it!