Happy New Year!

New Year…New me…hopefully?

I’d like to believe that this year’s lessons in love and life will teach me to be a better person. I am willing to look past all the lies and make-believe shit that I’ve been told, and act like I can move on from it and still be a friend, but honestly, deep down, I don’t think I can. 

I feel I will carry the hurt and fury in my heart right into the New Year. Why am I always meant to struggle? Why is the person causing the pain and anguish able to sleep soundfully at night and not have to look deep within themself and find answers on why they behave the way they do? 

I am to carry on and smile. To act like it didn’t catch me behind the knees and knock me to the floor. To forgive and forget? Forget? I will never forget how my “friend” and one time lover played me and cast me into the fires of hell, because I couldn’t be what they expected in their deceitful and wicked mind. How can I forget? How will I heal…again? 

I went through this same scenario so many times with the same person, that they definitely win in the “how many times can I make her miserable” game. I’m not stupid. I am not a trusting person. I am so jaded it’s intolerable for me. And yet, I fall for the fucking shit every damn time!

I heard it once said, that there are people in this world that are just born to suffer. I believe I may be one of them. So many years trying to better my life and why? I am meant to suffer. Do I just give up and take my given assignments without a fight? Do I suffer in silence, or am I meant to share my sufferings for others to see? 

The New Year is full of promise for most. But for me, I see repeated patterns and grief. I need to do something unexpected and drastic. I need an entirely new outlook. A new job. A new destination. Something to plan and look forward to.

I declare I will take all of you with me on my journey. If this is what I was born to do, then so be it. But I’m taking you with me. I believe I am to suffer loudly. I am meant to share my feelings and reach out to the broken. 

So, despite my many attempts at trying to make things work, I will give in to fate and the universe and let it be. Come what may. I will share my struggle and feelings as I go through 2023 in the hopes that it will help someone else in their struggles with what they are feeling. You are not alone.

Happy New Year!!