Have you heard? I’m back at square one again. After 4 glorious years in solitude and self-healing, I made the crazy decision to share a home with the one person I needed to get away from. I mean, I just figured 4 years was long enough to get over any idea of romance and love…right? I got my point across. I stayed away. I never lead him on to believe that there would ever be another chance…ever!
I am a woman of my word. I have so much discipline when I decide to stick to something, that it has even been noted by others. In amazement, I might add. So why the change of heart? Well, I was living in a cracker box, where I was literally claustrophobic and getting sick of myself. I couldn’t entertain friends or family. Just me, myself, and I. Every day. So when the opportunity came to live in a 3 bedroom Victorian with a huge kitchen island and front covered porch, I forgot about my sanity and decided to give it a go. I remember the agreement. I’d help decorate and clean, as friends, and in return I could have parties and family dinners again. Big mistake.
Apparently, a narcissist will never give up in changing your mind. And if they can’t, they get angry. They call you names, and remind you of how hard they are trying, even when they aren’t. They never try. They don’t have to. They are perfect in every way, and you should be throwing yourself at them every chance you get.
Well, after the fourth time he threatened to kick me out, I took it seriously and started looking for another place. I went through three long fucking months of hell that were spent packing and moving my shit to another location so I didn’t have to look at it. I spent the holidays without family. No decorations. No Christmas cookies. No dinners at Grandma’s house. I was miserable. And all the while he threw his new love(sex) interest in my face. I spent 3 months secluded up in my bedroom when he was home. Otherwise I was at work. I didn’t even want to be in the same room with the man who backed out on his word and turned my world into a shit storm. I should have seen it coming. I mean, I have known this man for the last 16 years. There were no surprises. I willingly looked the other way, and told myself that it could work. We were older and wiser. I was wrong. I was older and wiser. He was still a teenager.
So….move forward to January 1stm 2023. I am in my own place again. I have peace and calm. I have the desire to be creative. I am planning grandma sleepovers and dinner parties. I can listen to my echo dot as loud as I want. I can sit in the living room and watch tv until I decide to go to bed. I can make something to eat, without having to make extra for someone else. I do laundry once per week, versus every other day. I clean my house, and it stays clean for the whole damn day. It smells like me. It looks like me. I can feel me in it. I have found my heaven once again. Why did I ever leave it? Why didn’t I just look for a bigger place and pay the extra money, rather than think that living with him would be easier? At least it only took a year. Thank God I didn’t give up, or I would still be in the fires of hell.
Funny thing…as soon as I moved out, he stopped fucking her. Now all of a sudden he “misses” me. WTF… Narcissists really think everyone around them is stupid. And to tell me that when the resentment is still fresh. I am exhausted physically, and mentally, and I’m supposed to care that you “miss” me? HILARIOUS! People of the world…don’t ever, ever, ever go back! No matter how long you have been away. No matter how healed and grown you think you have become. Make your own life everything you have ever wanted. Make your own heaven. Stop relying on “love” to replace every damn thing that’s missing in your life. Because it can’t! Love it something you feel. You feel from breaking free. Something you feel deep inside your soul, when you wake every morning in peace. When you are alone in the kitchen making your first cup of coffee in the wee hours of the day knowing you don’t have to make conversation with someone who just wants to upset your day from the start. You no longer have to listen to death and destruction on the television every morning as you start your day. You no longer have to look at him as he’s “mansplaining” something to you over his cheaters resting on the end of his nose.
You have the power to take back your peace. You can make it happen. It’s hard. It is a lot of work. But worth it. Hello life. I have missed you dearly. Thank you for giving me another chance. A do-over. I promise I won’t take advantage of your kindness. Because I deserve kindness. I deserve love. I deserve peace. And you do too.
The Musings Of An Angry Woman 