I know I have been missing from this site for a while, and it’s not because of lack of material. My life is pretty much on the hamster wheel and I seem to keep moving even though I feel as if I’m frozen in time.
Everything feels surreal. I’m standing outside my body watching me perform my every day routine as if everything is perfectly normal. I can see the “resting bitch face” on my alter-ego and I just pretend that I don’t notice. “Why am I still doing all the things that didn’t, and still don’t, bring me satisfaction and peace?” Why must the “show go on”? For sixteen years I have acted like nothing is wrong for the sake of someone else’s mental health. Why do I even care about who thinks what about what?
I have so many ideas circling around in my brain. So many unoccupied ideas. Things that I can’t seem to put into action, because I’m still going through the motions of everyday life, that I deem too important to ignore. Everything I do is still for someone else.
My birthday is just around the corner. I will be 58 years old. I seriously need to get my shit together. I need to start cutting ties that have tethered me to one spot for too long. No vacations. No change of schedule. No adventures. No satisfaction. But I still dedicate each day to doing everything I can to make sure I remain exactly where I am. Where “they” want me to be.
My sole problem, right now, is that I am not afraid to start different things, and usually try to do them, but instead of making space for it, I just tack it on to the other things I already have going on. I need to remove something before I add something else. Make room for it, so that I can devote the time necessary in order for it to thrive and become something. I am always putting the things I want to do in the back of the line after all the things that I think I have to do. I don’t have to do anything!
I have changed my scenery in life, several times, but have always lived exactly the same for years and years. Same schedule…different place. I am tired. I am mentally exhausted. But every day must remain the same, or else I fear something inside me will die.
I need to ask myself, what would happen if it did die? Would I die too? Or would life go on, but only better. Easier. Clearer. More motivating and creative than I have ever experienced in my life. Change is good. But only if it actually leads to change.
This is the year that I finally begin to let go and not start something else. Just remove one toxic task, one day at a time. Free myself of everything that I thought was important. Slowly but surely, making a wider path in the direction I am choosing to go.
Year 58 will be a great learning experience, not only for me, but everyone involved. It will be the year of letting go. I’m ready.
The Musings Of An Angry Woman 