There are two sides to me. The one that doesn’t give a fuck what other people think of me, and the one that actually does. Especially the ones closest to me.
As most of you already know by reading my blog, I have a desire to call people out on all the bullshit that I’ve been fed for almost 60 years now. And usually, I fulfill that desire as delicately as I can. But there are those times that I truly don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Especially those close to me.
I have been struggling lately with some of my friends’ choices in life. I love and adore them, and would not deliberately do something malicious to disturb that affection that I hold for them. But it has come to my attention, that a select few, who happen to be the closest to my heart, have decided to gather in my name, sometimes with the narcissist in question, and outright disrespect my honor and friendship that I have treasured up until now.
I’m not saying that my friends need to agree with me on everything I do in life, but they do need to keep it among our tight circle and not talk shit on a secret chat site to everyone.
If you don’t already know, I manage a tavern. I have been doing so for the last 11 years. I put my heart and soul into my work. I believe myself to be fair and I make sure my bartenders are taken care of. I do a lot of the work, that others feel they should be doing during their shift, but I want them to be able to enjoy their job and interact with the customers, without worrying about whether the coolers are stocked to perfection, or everything is spotless at the end of the night.
I have been a bartender for at least 17 years of my life, and I have worked for some real assholes. I have also been exhausted at the end of my shift, and still had to mop and vacuum floors, clean toilets and stock all the coolers before I could leave. That was part of your job. So, in the interest of my employees, I make sure I have plenty of booze and beer readily available. I slice the lemons and the limes. I stock the pickles and the olives. I make sure they have plenty of clean glasses. And I do not require them after a busy night to do anything else but lock the money away and wipe down the bar and tables.
For years I have had to deal with egos. The “what would they do without me” frame of mind from the one bartender that thinks the place would crumble in pieces if they no longer worked behind the bar. I have dealt with the entitlement. The things they think they deserve. Free booze, free pool, end of year party with free booze and food. Christmas bonuses. Free t-shirts and anything else they think that they are “owed” for working. On top of this, I went to bat with the owner and I gave them a $15 raise per shift.
Even with all of this, I still have the sitters, who won’t pick up a bar rag to save their life. The gamblers while working. The drinkers, who will drink all night for free on their shift and be so generous as to give others free shots too.
I have complimented them on hard work after a successful evening, or events. I have openly expressed my disgust on certain behavior, but never really fired someone for a first time offense, or even a second, for that matter. I believe in second chances. I allow sass, maybe to a fault. But I believe that a bartender is a special breed that needs thicker skin than most, and also a presence when behind the bar. Not some cry baby that’s going to fall apart when someone looks at them cross-eyed.
I have tried to be a friend to most, and in doing so, I guess I have been labeled a push-over. Someone who is taken for granted, and expected to keep making up for others shortcomings, because I’m a “friend”. Someone who isn’t to be taken seriously.
I have recently become aware of a secret bartender chat site where they bitch and complain about my managerial skills. About the owner. About everything…LIKE WHAT? You spoiled, pretentious, entitled, lazy, fucking assholes with no social skills what-so-ever, who are lucky I schedule you in the first place! What do you have to bitch about? You do absolutely nothing that you don’t want to do. NOTHING!
I am so pissed off I could fire everyone and just start over. But that isn’t what really bothers me. What bothers me is these are people that pretend to be my friend and smile and laugh with me and then go behind my back and talk their smack among each other. One of my closest friends is on this site. My closest and dearest friend, whom I adore.
Do I just say fuck it and ignore it? I mean, after all, I am the boss and not everyone has to like me. Let them talk smack. Who cares. But my dearest friend is part of it. Why do they feel they can talk their shit in her presence? Because she doesn’t have my back. She, plain and simple, doesn’t have my back.
She is not as loyal as I thought. And now, I question all my friends’ loyalty. When I see them gathered around the ex-boyfriend talking and laughing. Why are they talking and laughing with him. They know exactly how I feel about him and what he has done…still doing…to me. Why are they even joining in conversation with him when I am not around? I can’t. I just can’t. Something has snapped inside, and I am not going to spend the last 25 years of my life “faking it” just for the sake of friendship.
I love my job, but I need to look elsewhere for happiness and contentment. Enough is enough. Let them deal with someone who will actually be the boss and not give a shit how they feel. DONE!
On to bigger and better things. This one stung a bit, but I’m over it. Life is too short to worry about how other people feel about me. I just know what friendship is, and it is definitely not what I’m being shown. End of rant.
The Musings Of An Angry Woman 