365 Days

I have been soaking up every minute of summer. I hear the birds sing to me their song of praise, as I sip my coffee from my perch on my deck. I know exactly where the first ray of sunshine will hit before the whole room explodes with blinding light early in the morning. I have learned the song of the chipmunks that have formed their own gang, protecting their territory in my backyard. I see the shadowy forms of bunnies in the dewy grass, gathered under the mulberry tree, feasting on the fat berries that have fallen to the ground. I hear the frantic scurrying of squirrels racing up and down the tree trunks, leaping from branch to branch. The soft rustle of the leaves moving in the breeze, while dancing limbs bounce up and down with every breath the earth takes. I hear the distant bark of a dog, alerting me that my mail will soon be delivered. The rumble of motorcycles and classic cars as they parade up and down the main drag, just a block away. The cheerful laughter of a group of friends on their daily walk. I savor every moment and reflect on how far I have come, just one year later.

Exactly one year ago, I was crushed with the realization that I had made a grave mistake in moving back in with my ex. I don’t remember seeing and hearing anything around me. Only the words that were said, echoing over and over in my head. I went into survival mode and ignored every gift of summer, fall and winter. I searched every day for a new place to live and ended up feeling hopeless while hiding out upstairs in my bedroom, trying to escape the best way I could. All I could hear was my heart beating out of my chest with anxiety. I was basically homeless with a little dog in search of the elusive 2 bedroom house for rent. September, October, November, and December all came and went without appreciation of any kind. It was getting hard to focus on the future when all I was faced with was my daily hell. I kept telling myself better things were waiting for me up ahead. I walked on eggshells tip-toeing around the house as to not to annoy my “room-mate” any more than he already was. It is hard to live where you are not wanted. It is pure hell on earth. But it was out of my hands. All I could do was wait and pray that something would become available.

The holidays came and went without celebration. The large windows went undecorated and the dining room table sat empty. The Halloween party, Thanksgiving dinner, and a Christmas card worthy Christmas, all erased from the planner. Family get-togethers came to a halt. The boxes scattered about each room and the echo of empty walls were the only things that greeted me every morning for 4 long months. The aching in my chest was unbearable and I thought for sure that I would surely die in my sleep every night because of it. But every morning I was greeted with the slightest sliver of light poking through the lace curtains, reminding me of my daily fight to continue.

Last year was a year that I will always remember. It was a year of disappointment and heartache. During my darkest days I also had to deal with a cancer prognosis of my closest friend. I planned a benefit to help her financially, which took away some of my anxiety, but added to my grief of what was to come. I needed hope and I found none.

And then…one day it happened. I was given a new chance at life. I cried from exhaustion mixed with gratitude. The first 2 months after I moved in to my new home, all I did was sleep. If I wasn’t working, I was sleeping. My body knew I needed rest. It needed to heal from the months of fight or flight. I found calm I found peace.

I started to hear the birds sing. I remember the exact spot on the floor where I saw the first glimmer of sunshine. I saw the leaves on the trees starting to show on their branches. I smelled the earth after the rain. My senses came alive again and I started to plan. I bought seeds and planted them. I weeded flower beds and searched with a skillful eye, for the many perennials that poked through the cold hard ground. I look at all the boxes of autumn and winter decor and smile knowing that they will soon be released from their 2 year prison. I pull into my driveway every afternoon and smile, knowing what’s waiting for me inside…peace. Home is where you find peace, and until then, you are never really home. I still feel the slight panic of having to move one day, but I push it down so that I can live in every precious moment that has been gifted to me. I get to live exactly the way I choose every single day. My home is decorated with things that bring me joy. And I fill it up with family and friends every chance I get.

One year. 365 days can change everything. Something better is waiting for you. It will come. I promise.