I’ve enjoyed creating this blog for around 4 years now. It all started during the initial covid shutdown. What was a hyper ADHD woman to do with herself? Write!! And that’s what I did.
I’ve always known, from a very young age, that I was destined to help in supporting others. I’ve always had a love for people, and wanted to make them feel good about themselves. It stems from being a “fixer” early in life.
Growing up in a home filled with depression, anxiety, anger, and full-blown narcissism allowed me to experience the many evils a person can inhibit behind the walls of a seemingly normal household.
I learned how to lie and fake a smile through my fears and tears. I knew how to make everything ok and act like nothing ever happened. I was a master at it. I told myself that if I acted like nothing was amiss, my mind would start believing it. If I could just change the subject, or the mood, then all would be forgotten. At least until the next time it happened.
It turns out I was an enabler. The girl who made light of a bad situation, and downplayed the offense like it was no big deal. No apology necessary. Just get over it and move on.
I used the same tactic in my adult life. I must never address the situation for what it was. Never allow the perp to feel guilty or accountable for anything said or done. When I look back now, I see a sad little life that seemed hopeless. I was strong for everyone around me, but who could I turn to?
It wasn’t until my second divorce, and last empty relationship, that I decided enough was enough! 50 years of the same shit over and over again… and for what? Who was I protecting? What was I getting out of all the secrecy and cover ups? They soared above all the bullshit they created, while I was fighting for my life trying to crawl out of the pit of shit with dignity.
Dignity- the state, or quality of being worthy of honor and respect.
Here I was, fighting for my mental health, and all I could think about was their dignity and my image. Hilarious!! I didn’t want people to see me as broken. I wanted them to see me as resilient and strong. No one could break me! My armor remained thick on the outside, while I endured a constant hurricane on the inside.
I learned to ignore my feelings so that I could function. I needed to go on with everything that needed my attention. I couldn’t stay home curled up on the couch just because I was sad. Dumb!
The dirt I kept inside, got harder and harder. Until one day it was like a rock. A brick fortress that nobody could break down. I lost my empathy for others. I lost my feelings of regret. I just didn’t care any longer. Oh sure, I would get a twinge of remorse now and then for being so cold, but it would soon pass. I earned my right to be unfeeling and cold. And fuck anyone that thought differently.
I decided that I had protected my peace long enough and no longer cared whose feelings got hurt for exposing the truth. It was time to let it all go… without dignity.
So, I started a podcast. Then, I started writing a blog. I exposed my deepest thoughts and wounds to complete strangers and I didn’t dance around any subject that I felt needed to be heard. Like the song says, “I did it my way”.
After around one hundred episodes, or so, I decided to use my shared material in the form of a book. The first, THE CALCINATION OF A VOLATILE LIFE, was life changing.
CALCINATION- The stage in our lives when we start seeing the tricks, illusions, misleading beliefs, and harmful habits of our egos and puts them aside so that we can finally explore what lies underneath. Scientifically it is a process of purification. Perfect! So I told my story.
Then came book #2, THE MUSINGS OF AN ANGRY WOMAN. A hold nothing back book, inspired by my podcast, which carries the same name. This book allowed me to share real life advice for the women who cared too much about the dignity of others, instead of their own.
My newest book was just released in February. LIVING WITH THE ENEMY. This book was inspired by my two failed marriages and unfullfilling relationships that I endured with the narcissist. It describes in detail, what to expect in living with a narc, and how to handle it until you can get the fuck out.
I have found that people who have endured constant trauma, usually end up the victim, or the narcissist. I was a magnet for them. I needed, not only to talk myself out of a messy situation, but to help others understand how the narc thinks and how they tick, so that they lose their favorite weapon in their arsenal, the element of surprise.
I told everything… and proudly. I was the victim. What was I so ashamed of? My only crime was that I enabled and coddled their atrocious behavior. Guilty of giving them 1000 chances to change. Which never happened. So I wrote a book. I’m proud of everything I put into my stories of survival. I am not ashamed and I do not feel undignified in the language used to convey my feelings. I don’t care if it offends you. Don’t read it. These books are for the people that are tired of acting appropriately in order to protect others and their feelings. It’s a choice.
So now, I am finally at the point in my life where I am going to promote myself. I am proud of who I am, and I hope I can support and help someone else who is suffering in silence. I hope I can give you the strength to not be afraid to come forth with your truth. I read somewhere that when you write your story, you should write it as if the person you are writing about will never read it. Put it all out there. My only hope is that you allow the world to see your heart and feel your soul. The real you. Scars and all.
I have self-published all three of these books through Amazon, and they are available in ebook, paperback, and hardcover. It was the least expensive avenue. Therefore, it is my responsibility to promote myself. I thank everyone who continues to read this blog, and you’ll be hearing more from me in the near future. ❤️❤️
The Musings Of An Angry Woman 