I have taken some time to look back on the past year and have mentally checked off everything I can think of that I need to concentrate on and work on this year. We all fall off the treadmill to a better life every once in a while, but it is our job to get back on and start again. To not be so discouraged that we give up the fight and fall back into the familiar routine that leads to nowhere. I mean, think about it. What have you ever gained by quitting? I’m not talking about smoking, drinking, or overeating. I’m talking about quitting on yourself.
You are born into this world alone. Nobody is holding your hand and walking you into this life. You are the one figuring it out as you grow. You have to deal with your surroundings. You have to teach yourself how to react to everything thrown at you whether you like it or not. You don’t get a choice of anything as a child. Your caretakers are in charge. And the reality is that even though there will be people in the room, you will leave this world alone. Our life is mainly going through it alone, but surrounded by people. Nobody is living it for us. So why not make it what you want it to be? Why are we living someone else’s ideal lifestyle? Why are we doing things we really don’t want to do? How is pulling the plug and letting all of your goals drain out helping you in the long run? It’s not.
I have spent all but the last four years figuring out how to make everyone else’s life easier. I have been obsessed with making others happier and more comfortable. While making my life a living hell. What am I so afraid of? Am I afraid of being selfish? Am I afraid of quitting? Am I afraid of acceptance in my decisions? Yes. All of it. But I still do it. I still plan my escape. I still map out everything that needs to happen and see it waiting for me in the distance. I daydream of the days where I can live out everything I have ever wanted. What’s so special about me you ask? Nothing and absolutely everything. I am amazing.
My New Year’s resolution is to think more kindly of myself. To put myself out there and pat myself on the back every chance I can. I’m tired of living in the background. I’m exhausted from brainstorming on how I can walk away from everything that is holding me back. And you want to know what I have found? I am the one holding myself back. I am the one sitting on my hands and doing nothing to make it happen. Oh sure, I do all the foot work, but when it comes time to push the button…I chicken out. I am doing everything in secrecy. I am keeping myself hidden and mysterious. Is it working? No.
Self-promote. Self-promote. Self-promote. Tell people what you are doing. Tell people what you are accomplishing.
In 2020 time stood still when the epidemic hit and I found myself stuck in the house with nothing to do but think. Think about everything. So I decided to start a journal and write everything down. I began to see a pattern. So I started watching self-improvement seminars and reading books written by all the top selling authors. I learned what a narcissist was and found I surrounded myself with them throughout my whole life. I was raised by a covert narcissist and married/divorced one, and also attached myself to one for the last 20 years hoping that things would miraculously change on their own. What the fuck? Pointing out the problem is the first step in correcting the problem. So I took the first leap into ending my addiction to toxic relationships. It wasn’t easy setting boundaries and the people that conducted my life didn’t like it. The first two years were the worst!
In the first two months of being laid off in 2020, I started this blog. I shared my feelings and opinions on what I was learning about myself and put everything out there. Everything. I held nothing back. That got the ball rolling. I decided that writing it down wasn’t enough. I needed to show raw emotion and let people know exactly how I felt and started a podcast. I was getting used to the sound of my voice venting about the toxicity we were faced with on a daily basis, and decided to publish a book that I could share with others in the hopes of helping someone else make sense of their chaos. To give them hope in knowing that they could change their lives too.
Social media is a tool that is readily out there for anyone to use. So why don’t we use it to promote ourselves? Why do we simply share memes and humorous posts and not speak of our daily distractions and tribulations? Because we have been brainwashed into believing that people only want to hear about sunshine and rainbows. We have to be positive and happy at all times. If we express disgust, anger, sorrow, or fear, we aren’t helping we are just whining. But I feel that authenticity is important. If we look the other way and pretend something doesn’t bother us, then how is that helping? How is that setting boundaries and letting others know that it is unacceptable?
There is a new movement out there now called the “Just Let Them” theory. It creates inner peace within yourself by not controlling others’ behavior and letting go of an emotional reaction. Ok…you literally cut the cord to the narcissist’s lifeline and give them no reaction. But are you teaching them anything? Are you correcting bad behavior? Are you holding them accountable for their actions? Or are you just ignoring and letting them move on to their next victim without atonement for their sins? Sure…that’s great for you, but what about the next unsuspecting victim? Just leave them to the wolves on the loose? I find it is MY job as a decent human being to call out bad behavior and make it known. I’m not a perfectionist, but if there is something nasty going on, I’m going to expose it.
I’m not going to go through life acting like a Gen X housewife. Outta sight…outta mind. Just ignore it, it will go away. Most likely NOT! Sure, you can’t control what others think of you. You cannot control another’s actions…or can you? If they know your boundaries, they may act accordingly. I say LET THEM go away! But I will be sure to let the next victim know the truth. If they choose not to believe me or heed my warning, then that is on them. At least I did my part in informing them before they get involved with this person.
My sole purpose in all of this is to inform people. To let them know that they are not alone in this. Smart people make mistakes. Careful people fuck up. It’s just human. I am here to remind you to stop and look at yourself in the mirror and recognize that you may actually be the one sabotaging your own life. You are allowing it, therefore you are the problem. Self-awareness is brutal at times. We don’t like who we are, but we keep looking for someone else to save us. Not happening. But it’s OK. You can do it alone. I recommend it. No distractions.
This year I am a proud survivor. I am a proud “restarter”. I am a proud writer. I am a proud author of 4 books. I am a proud podcaster who has published over 150 episodes on her channel. I am a proud blogger since 2020. I am putting myself out there instead of hiding behind bushes and witnessing without words. I am a strong and capable human who wants better for everyone that is trying to change their path. Keep trying. Keep failing. Keep learning. Keep sharing. Keep getting back up and never quit on yourself. 2025 is our year and we are taking back our lives.
The Musings Of An Angry Woman 