Hell is for Children

Remember the Pat Benetar song “Hell is for Children”? I’m sure my Gen Xers do. There is a lot of truth to that song. I’m not saying that every child experiences a horrible childhood, but I’m willing to bet at least 75% of us did. Even those that were blessed with a more than idyllic childhood experience, can admit to remembering a life-changing, or traumatic situation that they were forced to deal with and told to “just get over it” the best they knew how. You see, when I was growing up you didn’t talk to anyone about your fears, or what was bothering you. You kept your home life a secret and went along like everything was ok. Anyone finding out what really went on behind closed doors was unheard of. It was disgraceful to do such a thing to your “family”.
No matter what era you were raised in, we all share the same common denominator. We were all taught to respect our elders and forgive our loved ones no matter what. We were teased, and bullied during family get-togethers, but still had to give Uncle whoever a hug before we left. We were neglected and verbally abused throughout the day, but still had to give mommy a kiss before bedtime. We were severely disciplined and had the bruises and welts on our little legs to prove it, but still had to tell daddy we loved him when prompted. We had no choice. We just did as we were told. What do you think that does to your brain when growing up? We are literally programmed into dutiful little robots that weren’t allowed any emotion or validation for our feelings. The mean teacher, was allowed full reign over our days in school and we were just supposed to deal with it because they were just doing their job. The “friendly” neighbor who creeped you out every time they cornered you alone and asked inappropriate questions that you were expected to answer because they were adults. There were so many situations where we just had to bite our lip and eat crow and told that it was just a normal part of life. Gaslighted into believing we had it so good compared to other children and that we should be thankful. Ugh!!!
We need to stop ruining our children! We need to stop grooming them into dutiful little robots that are programmed to please others and allow disrespect. Disrespect is not an ingredient in the recipe of a happy life.
What are we doing? Are we supposed to laugh at derogatory jokes, smile at grumpy strangers, ignore verbal abuse when we hear it, all in the name of keeping the peace? Fuck that!
I grew up believing everything was going to work itself out. When I became an adult, all the problematic drama was just going to disappear on it’s own. I told myself that when I had children things would be different. I was different. I was careful not to abuse my children as I was once abused. But guess what? I still allowed grandma and other toxic members of my family to babysit my kids whenever needed because they were “family” and I could trust them. People that I knew were verbally abuse and cult-like in their beliefs in what was right and wrong in their eyes and willingly left my little innocent babies with them thinking they were safe because they were “family”. Wtf! My mother was at my house every day when my kids were small. She would come in and sit there for hours demanding attention and time. I was so stressed out trying to run a household and raise my kids under her watchful eyes that I look back now and don’t know how I didn’t have a nervous breakdown. It took a toll on my marriage though. I was miserable and felt alone in my situation. My husband lost his mother as a teenager, so he would tell me how I should appreciate having my mother around and saw nothing wrong with her daily drawn out visits. Only, he wouldn’t see my real mother. Only the sweet and encouraging mother. Not the critical and condescending mother who told me I was doing everything wrong.
The shit that she used to openly talk about at the kitchen table around my kids was grounds enough to throw her out of my house. I allowed it! Because she was family. In a pinch, I would allow an aunt to watch my oldest when I was trying to hold down a job while going through a divorce. The same aunt that would disrupt every family gathering and end up fighting someone. Every damn time! But my mother said that she was kind to children and I believed her. Even though I knew she wasn’t so kind to her own children. I heard her call them awful names growing up.
It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Because I was raised into thinking family was everything. Family would never purposely harm you. You only had to be wary of stranger danger even though I knew the only people I worried about and had anxiety over were family members. But I did not dare admit that, or teach my children to be wary of them because that would be disgraceful. If I could only go back and do things over, knowing what I know now. But I can’t. The best I can do is to bring it to peoples attention. So that they can recognize their own mistakes that they are making with their children and correct them before it goes to far. The first step in correcting a problem is recognizing it for what it is. I always considered myself a good mother, but I wasn’t. I put my children in harms way more than once for my own selfish needs. I ignored their abusive behavior and made excuses for their unwanted and toxic actions.
They would sometimes cry because they didn’t want me to leave them and I left them anyway with these people because they were family. They had no choice but to trust me in my bad decisions. I find it hard to sit in the same room with these same said people, and I left my children alone with them. My children laugh at me and think I’m over reacting, but I find it hard to forgive myself.
Children recognize toxic behavior. Children recognize abusive behavior. Children are not dumb, and when we force children to respect and look up to individuals that caused them harm or fear, we are ourselves committing abuse. When they don’t feel safe, and we don’t protect them from what they don’t feel safe around, that makes us monsters. We are literally throwing them into a den of wolves and telling them and that they have no reason to be afraid and they are overreacting by showing fear. Hell is for children. Our trusting, forgiving, curious, innocent, loving children. Who are born without choices and raised however we choose to raise them.