No Contact

I have read all the books and follow the advice of social media influencers who are equipped with experience and knowledge on how to handle the narcissist, but there is only one thing different…it’s my mother. My aging mother, I might add. Who hasn’t seen the error of her ways and shows no signs of change, or any remorse for that matter. She is still living in her world of bullying, dismantling any confidence, “one-uping”, delusional religious beliefs, self-pitying, self-righteous, and downright nasty behavior. Behavior that is only saved for her children, now that all of her siblings have passed. And yet, she is so needy and acts so helpless when she needs assistance in running errands and needs a ride somewhere. Apparently she is “too sick” to call the local Lift or small-town cab for a ride to the grocery store. It’s her children’s job and she refuses. But as soon as I get her in my vehicle, she miraculously finds the strength to argue and shout her grievances aloud all the way to the store, while the seat-belt alarm is going off because she refuses to buckle it on. The conversations are always the same. How the world is going to hell because nobody goes to church or follows our republican leader, who is only trying to help our nation. I sit there biting my lip, remembering the text message she sent me on election day…”you better not vote Democrat or you will go to hell.” I sit there numb because she is only trying to trigger a response out of me. She feeds off drama and anxiety. I drive on, stone-faced, just nodding my head as if I am actually paying attention to anything being said. I get to hear how other people have their children visit all the time and how she is living alone with no one to keep her company. The fact that she has driven every man she ever had in her life away, plays no part in her loneliness.

The reason for this post is in response to an early morning text message from her, that simply stated “forgive them father, for they know not what they do.” It was sent to stimulate guilt and remorse for my coolness during Mother’s Day. So, I giggled to myself and sent back “What if they do know what they do, and only do it in front of certain people?” Insert snort laughing to the point of my coffee spurting out my nose. I am to the point where I really don’t care what happens anymore. I am not going to entertain her wishes of constant dispute and angst, but I will throw in a zinger now and then. I know I should just let it be and let her send all the nasty things she wants, but I find it hard to be completely silent. Especially since I am the one paying her phone bill. She will text me all day long now, around 28 messages, is the going number. I won’t even look at them. Then, in a couple days she’ll tell me she needs a prescription picked up, along with a few grocery items like nothing was ever said. Nasty shit. Like stuff I wouldn’t say to a serial killer behind bars. And then has the audacity to send me the message “forgive them father, for they know not what they do.”

At sixty years old, I have decided that I don’t need a mother any longer. Not my mother, anyway. I have grown used to the fact that I don’t have a mother. I have an adversary and a road block. Always there when I don’t need her. I am doubtful that I will even miss her when she leaves this earth. I’m sure I will breathe a sigh of relief and probably breakdown just from the thought of living the rest of my days in peace. Don’t come at me with “but she’s your mother” when you haven’t lived a day in my shoes. Exactly…She’s my mother. My worst enemy that I have ever dealt with and can’t shake loose. Try manifesting the life you have always dreamed of with that lurking in the shadows. So, in response to all those nurtured children with “friendships” with their mothers…count your blessings. I am happy for you and may you continue to find happiness in each other’s company. My relationship with my mother has gone beyond repair and will never naturally take it’s place in the universe’s plan. I am dealing with it on a daily basis, but it doesn’t even slightly bother me anymore. I may have twenty good years left on this earth and I am not going to waste any of them trying to backtrack and rectify, or make excuses for her behavior. I will not look the other way because of her age, because that was never a part of it. She has always been this way. I will see it for what it is, and try to stay as far away from it as I can. As human-being I will gather her needs as best I can, so that she is comfortable, but I will no longer want a connection or intimacy from our relationship. I am done. I have been for a while now, and there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes you just have to be “done”.