Mean Girls

At one time, I surrounded myself with some not-so-nice people. I have mentioned in earlier posts, that at the time of my divorce, I was trying to fit back into the social scene. I started going back uptown and was on the search for my people. What I found was a mix of different personalities, that I had to sift through in order to find my circle. My boyfriend at the time, had a handful of people that he called friends that accepted me as one of their own. So I went with it. I wanted to make him happy and gave them a chance. I soon found out that some of them had a mean streak a mile wide. The shit they would say to people still makes me cringe when I think about it. Bullies that belittled you if you didn’t fit their mold and side with them on whatever they wanted to do. Even though I was ten or more years older than them, I still believed that the age gap made no difference, and did my best to open my mind and allow certain behavior that didn’t sit right with me.

Let’s jump ahead 5 years…I settled in my new single lifestyle and was no longer desperate to fit in. I was too busy working two jobs trying to pay bills, and the honeymoon phase was over in that new relationship, so I just worried about surviving and less about fitting in. In doing so, I met my “soul-mates” that I still hold close to this day. My people. Kind, considerate, compassionate, empathetic people that knew from experience what I was going through, because they had been where I was.

Women need other women who are on the same side as they are. I left a marriage where I had to constantly defend my beliefs, and being friends with like-minded people, helped lower my “fight or flight” response. I didn’t have to be included in a group of “mean girls” in order to feel like I belonged. Fuck that! I remember how self-conscious I was in the beginning, worrying about how I looked through their eyes and how I walked on eggshells trying not to trigger them. I just smiled and nodded and went along with whatever they wanted to do. I was miserable. If they picked on someone, or made fun of them, I never spoke up or told them to stop. Which made me guilty by association. I hated myself when I was with them. I remember my mother always telling me…”birds of a feather flock together.” And she was right. Who you are gathered with says a lot about who you are. Spiritual people will hang with other spiritual people. Creative people will gather with other creative people. Goal-orientated people will likewise surround themselves with other people driven by success. Whereas bullies and toxic people will usually hang with people that feed on their toxicity and drama.

I have no time for them. I was raised by a bully. Both my husbands were control freaks and I’ll be damned if I was going to go through life repeating what took years to escape. You have a choice. You don’t have to be friends with people just because other people are friends with them. I exclude myself from activities that include people that I feel are toxic. I don’t need the drama. I also don’t need to justify how I feel about someone. It’s a vibe. I listen and I watch. If I’m not feeling a connection, I go with my gut and form my own opinions. At the ripe old age of 60, I have gotten pretty good at letting go of fake and choosing loyalty. I’ll choose to be loyal every time. I am not going to make friends with someone whom my friends have had a negative experience with in the past. It doesn’t mean that I dislike them. I won’t dislike anyone just because someone I know does, but I will not go out of my way to befriend them either. That’s just asking for trouble. Friends don’t do that to each other. At least “real” friends don’t.

Everybody wants to fit in. Into what? You are an individual. You have your own mind and your own opinions. If you have to constantly re-evaluate your friendships with people, then maybe you should look into letting a few of them go and be OK with it. You are going through life doing things other people want to do. What do you want to do? I need friends that understand that I get “peopled out” at times. I love going to family functions or gathering with friends, but I also need alone time to reset and recharge. I do not need a full schedule filled with events. I’m just as happy, and sometimes more, just sitting at home with my dog. Hell, I don’t even like to talk on the phone all that much. I would much rather send a text message. I love my friends, but a little bit goes a long way. If I’m not included, oh well.

I wish I could get all those years back spent trying to fake it. Fake love, fake happiness, fake friendships. Your quality of life matters. I would rather spend a few years with some great people, than many years with the “popular” crowd. I have learned that being popular doesn’t always mean friendly. Choose wisely. Don’t waste your precious years chasing the wrong people.