I feel I have enabled long enough. I know it is partly my fault in giving a person one hundred chances, looking the other way, pretending that actions don’t matter and just concentrating on the false promises and words spoken…but in my defense I just did it in the name of love. Love for a dear friend. What do you do when your friend chooses to be with a not-so-nice person?
I knew her when she was still single. Sure, she was already living with him, but not matrimonially chained to him yet. I remember her asking me to be her maid-of-honor when SHE asked him to get married. I tried to talk her out of it on two different occasions, but to no avail. She chose to believe that he loved her and they would be together forever. It is utterly ridiculous. I had to come up with a speech about their relationship, and how they were soul-mates… blah blah blah. I don’t know how I got through it.
She is never allowed a “girls day”. I remember asking her to my house for coffee on more than one occasion, only to see his fucking face come through the door with her. To this day, he has her on a tracker(for her safety, of course), and she never has a minutes peace, or time to herself. As soon as she is done work, he is calling her with “where are you”? She has to come straight to the bar and sit there until he is ready to go home. And by that time he is belligerent and mean. What a life! I have so much empathy for her that I remain friends, even though I cannot stand to hear his voice, or even look at him.
How does God allow this to go on? Why is he allowed his behavior with no consequences and she is to suffer because she decides to “stand by her man”? She has been nothing but loyal and I still hear him accusing her of “fucking her boss” whenever she gets a raise or a promotion. Her hard work and dedication means nothing at all.
She fidgets in her chair all the while she is sitting next to him and constantly plays with her hair, as if she is filled with anxiety, just waiting for his mood to change for the worse. She quietly sits and waits for the change in his tone, or a dirty look thrown her way. I have witnessed this too many times to count and have kept my mouth shut….until now.
I speak out and call him out on his bullshit every chance I get. I remind her that she is a person with her own thoughts and freedoms, and how she shouldn’t sit by and let him treat her the way he does. Do I have any other choice? I am the spokesperson on fighting back against the narc and sticking up for yourself, and I am to sit by and act like none of his behavior bothers me?
I feel as if she has betrayed our friendship. She expects me to sit with mouth shut and look the other way when they are right next to me, and I can hear the horrible things he is saying. I look at her face close to tears and it breaks everything in me. I can’t do it, and I won’t do it. A friend does not allow someone to disrespect someone they love. In any case. It has been 15 years and I feel as if I need to end our friendship, because I can’t be around it any longer. She won’t speak up. She won’t tell him to stop. She will never leave him. She is brainwashed and gaslit into thinking there is always a good reason for his abuse. He had a bad day at work. His brother thinks he’s better than him. The house is a mess and he’s tired of doing everything himself. He isn’t winning any money while gambling. My family hates him. His dad is sick. IT NEVER STOPS!
I don’t want to desert her. I don’t want to leave her to the wolf she calls husband. She is the kindest person I know. I have always taken her side and now I just find it physically and mentally impossible. I don’t want to be around them. I don’t want to hear what they are talking about. It feels as if someone is tearing a limb from my body. I have to endure the pain of removing this person from my life, and learn to live without. I have such guilt, and yet I am pissed as hell. I’m mad at her for choosing him over us. I’m mad at her for keeping the peace and not knocking him off his barstool. I’m mad at her for not realizing her power as his wife, in telling him to shape up, or get the fuck out. She could easily live on her own. She makes enough money. But he makes her think she could never do it without him. UGH!!!!!
For his better and her worse. I’m afraid God will take her away, in seeing that is the only way she will be free of him. I’ve seen it happen before. The one that suffers in silence is the one that dies. I have never wished anything on anyone, but why can’t God send him something where he can’t drink anymore? That would be a great plus in her life. It’s mostly alcohol fueling his meanness. I feel certain people are born with destructive personalities and alcohol just makes everything worse. It is going to take an act of God, because she will never try and change him.
The Musings Of An Angry Woman 