Why We Write

I was reading a book that I had uncovered while decluttering my collected array of crap I have in my home, written by Charles Frazier. I know I only bought it for the color and age that complimented by decor, but for some reason I decided to open it up and take a look. About twelve pages in, I came upon a sentence that read “Everything that happens is fluid,changeable. After they’ve passed, events are only as your memory makes them, and they shift shapes over time. Writing a thing down fixes it in place”

This is why I write. I want to remember the moment exactly as it happened, when it happened. I also want to remember the emotion felt during such event, as it happened. Time changes everything. Even our thoughts and emotions. You have heard the phrase, ” Time heals”. I feel it “heals” because we forget. Things over time, become foggy and distant. Our memory plays tricks on us, and what we thought was devastating at the time, becomes not so bad, and even forgivable. We sometimes are willing to give second, third, and fourth chances to someone who hurt us because of all the distractions in-between and time passed.

I, on the other hand, have learned this through many trial and error situations, and thus decided to start writing things down as they unfolded. In case I forget how awful they were at the time. Life changer! Some might say that I hold on to things way too long, but I say to that, to forgive is divine, but to forget is ignorance. I will not forget. For I believe that carrying the pain, even if it becomes just a speck in your vast mind, allows protection against habitual offenders. Pain is there to remind you not to do it again! It’s like a scar left on the skin from a wound. It never really goes away. And every time you look at that blemish, you are reminded of what put it there. You learn from the experience by retaining the history of the event.

The reason I started this blog was because I wanted my experiences to be immortal and something never forgotten. I want to remember how certain “friends and family” decided to treat me, and how many times they decided to do it. When the empty apologies just lead to repeated actions. When the guilt for making the decision to cut them loose starts creeping in, I just refer back to what I wrote when it happened and am vindicated in my decision to let them go.

We are our own defense lawyers. We have to have our own backs in this life. We cannot depend on someone else to save the day and come galloping in on their white horse to our defense. We have our memories to justify our actions. I can then count on one, or sometimes two hands the amount of times I had given in and trusted wholeheartedly in promises given in haste just to get their foot back in the door. No more. I have written down my life and even turned some of it into books that I can hold in my hand. I have my life unfold before me at the click of a button. I am sometimes amazed that I lived through some of it, and laugh at the things I couldn’t even smile about at the time.

I will no longer be gaslit into believing something didn’t happen as I remember it. I will no longer be accused of overreacting to something that is said to be little or nothing. I have the power of the pen. I hold the power of chronicling my life and remembering every detail. So don’t come at me with your smoke and screens trying to play your tricks on my memory, because it won’t work.

My advice to anyone out there struggling with recollection of what really happened, is to pick up a pen and write that shit down. All of it. Even the parts you wish you could forget. This way, you can prove to yourself that you are not a “crazy”, “overreacting”, “drama-loving” bitch who is just making shit up. Do it. Do it for yourself, and only for yourself. Write it down.