Are You A Fixer?

Have you heard the expression… ”unless a person is moving in a direction, you cannot steer them”. Because you cannot steer an idle ship. An anchored ship.

Makes sense, doesn’t it? If someone isn’t motivated enough to start moving towards a goal, or start helping themselves, then you, nor anyone else, are going to help them get there.

A lot of people talk. Blah blah blah. That’s all you get out of them. How they want to start this. How they want to go there. How they want to be a certain person. They will talk about it until they are blue in the face but will never take that first step.

It’s hard to be around people like this. Especially if you are a motivated, or driven person. Seriously. You look at them and think “why do you keep talking about it”? “Do it!” We will give them the same advice every time, in our best sympathetic tone, like we understand why they are so afraid to try. But deep down we just want to scream “do it or shut up about it”!

Am I right? How many times are we to listen, to how they hate their job, only to see them show up promptly every day. Ugh! Or, how about the person who bitches about being married, or dating someone that treats them like shit. He does this to me, or she does that…but they never leave. I personally can’t stand to sit and listen to those kinds of people. I have no tolerance for victim land. People like this, thrive on those that empathize with them, or show any kind of sympathy.

They love it when you put yourself in their shoes. They love it when you get that crease between your eyes, from worrying about them. They don’t want to be saved. They are happy as hell living in their world of misery. Don’t get sucked in. better yet, don’t sit down and ask how they are doing at all! As mean as it sounds, you just can’t. They want to hear you waste your breath on telling them, for the 1000^th time, how to leave that person, or how to quit that job. How to move to another town and start a new life. Blah blah blah blah.

Do you really think they are listening to what you are telling them, with the intention of taking your advice? NO!

Your bubble should consist of people who admit their mistakes, learn from them, and move on to make a positive decision to improve their current situation. That doesn’t mean they will succeed at everything they attempt, but at least they will be attempting to correct their current situation.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing every day but expecting a different outcome. It’s not going to happen. EVER.

It’s hard to turn a deaf ear to a close friend, or family member. But sometimes they can be parasites too. You need to communicate to them, how you have expressed how you felt many times, and now it is up to them. You wash your hands of the situation. Not your problem. You no longer feel the need to waste anymore of your precious time, that you’ll never get back on a problem that they will never try to fix for themselves.

See how that goes. They are going to look at you like you have 3 heads. But if you stick to your guns, they will change the topic of conversation. And maybe, just maybe, they will figure it out on their own. I doubt it. But let’s just say they will for a more beautiful outcome.

I am learning to become a life coach. I am also learning that a life coach is not a fixer. I have always been the fixer. I’ve been trying to fix people’s problems since a child.

Growing up I was my mother’s fixer. She suffered from chronic clinical depression. Not just sad depression. Can’t get out of bed or eat depression. It was rough. I learned about her childhood. How she was unhappily married (to my dad), how she felt physically ill, and couldn’t eat. And some nights, I listened to how she wanted to take her own life. She prayed to a god who never fixed her, so it was my job. Yeah…that was me from about 8 until I was about 30. I tried to fix her through my father’s passing. He died of cancer when I was 18, at the age of 44 years old. I tried to fix her through another marriage, which was very abusive. And couple bad relationships after that. She always needed a man in her life. She tries to tell me I need one too.  She’d visit my house every day while my children were young. I was a stay-at-home mother, so it was no problem.  I heard it all at my kitchen table, while bouncing a baby on my hip. I grew tired. Nothing was working out for her. And then, it hit me like someone turned on the light. She didn’t want to be fixed. She didn’t want things to change. She kind of liked the drama in her life. So, I became more distant. I didn’t call or have her visit as much. I divorced and started working outside the home, so I wasn’t there during the day anymore. I had severe guilt about it at first, because she was my mother. But it was for my own good. I was not a shrink. And I was just wasting my time. She was a victim, who liked being the victim.

Since then, we have a quite different relationship. She is more complimentary, and we talk about more positive things on the phone, or when we meet up. I love my mother, and I am elated about the way things are today.

You are in control of your bubble. You get to choose how someone acts around you. You get to choose who you want in your bubble. Even your mother.

The weight of the world, literally, floated off my shoulders. It was like an out of body experience. Someone else’s problems are not yours. If they aren’t going to attempt to try and save themselves, there is nothing you can say or do. Problem solved.

Now, I’m taking steps in learning about human behavior and emotions. How some people live by emotions and not facts. I still have this need to be a positive force. I want to be there for people. But only those that actually want to move from where they are. People whose desire to change, is way more powerful than the desire to remain the same. I want those people in my life. I want people that will fearlessly jump from the hamster wheel they are spinning on. I found that I can have a caring and giving heart, without living in purgatory for someone else’s sins. I don’t need to put myself in their shoes. I have my own shoes. I have my own wants and needs. I have my own problems. I don’t need anyone else’s. I am not a fixer. I am not going to stop my dream, or goals, to remain idle. I am not going to let anyone stand in my way with negative vibes. I have a purpose. To help others find and use their talents to create the life they’ve always wanted. I am a helper. I will team up with YOU. But I am not a fixer.