I Am Not on Repeat

I am amidst the process of rebuilding my life, and once again, getting acquainted with my emotions, and out of the blue I receive an invite for a “friendly” breakfast. Innocent enough, although it would be at the very home that I was so passionately in love with and had to leave.

Number one…why would someone ask you to come over and make a memory in the very home that they so vehemently asked you to leave only months before? Did he think that I would be all ” Oh wonderful! I can’t wait to eat breakfast at the kitchen island and look out the window at all the gardens (I dug and planted), with you!” Was it a friendly invite, or a malicious act of salt in the wound?

I kindly refused with an excuse and have been trying to decode his reasoning all morning. Update…I refuse to repeat all patterns of past behavior. The reason he asked me over for breakfast, was because in every other instance like this one, I have forgotten my wounded ego, and have gladly accepted the invitation. I would joyfully go all in with thoughts of “this time it will be different” bullshit. Even though the wounds were still fresh from the fight, he had the audacity to invite me back to the scene of the crime less than 2 months later. Thinking everything will be as it was, only this time I won’t have to live with her. She’ll just come over whenever I want her to and then leave. God! I have been so stupid! 16 years of stupidity!

I am so angry with myself for wasting a huge chunk of my life with someone who just likes to see me dangle on the end of his hook. The past experiences all flooded back. One after another. All the times I walked back into the arena without my armor, with a trusting smile and love in my heart. Do I get any points for forgiveness? Do I get any special bonuses for not giving up all those years? Nothing. I got nothing.

Now I am left with a shaded heart, who feels as if everyone who approaches has an ulterior motive, or plans to control me. I have embraced my reclusive lifestyle and refuse to join in social activities when invited. I just want to be left alone. Just let me lick my wounds and heal. Let me be alone with my thoughts. Let me sift through my memories and pick out the ones that were supposed to teach me a lesson.

I am OK. I will be fine. I just need space and time. I am filling my days with everything I enjoy doing. My mind races with creativity. I cannot hold it all in and put it on the back burner any longer. I will go forth with exuberant effort to better my life and make it one that I have always wanted, but never persevered. No, kind sir. I will not repeat past behavior. I will not accept your invitation back into the dark abyss of discontent. I will continue towards the light that is shining down on the path before me.

You can take your breakfast and kindly go fuck yourself.