I am in my “Awakening” stage of life, where I see past the bullshit presented, and create my own way of living my life, rather than following someone else’s plan. I won’t listen to what you have to say if it doesn’t match my energy. Just because you say it, doesn’t mean I have to listen.
Rude? Entitled? You bet your ass I am.
I will conduct my own life, at my own pace. I will not be orchestrated by people that do not pay my bills, or walk in my shoes. People that have not lived a day in my life, telling me how I should react, and move forward in forgiving those that willingly and purposely hurt me.
I see and I hear more now, than I ever have. I recognize abuse at the start, even by just a certain look given, or tone of voice. I don’t need proof in my validation. I have lived it and I notice it immediately. I will not excuse or enable any of it. EVER AGAIN.
So when a man says he is interested in a relationship with me, I am not all in. No matter how “good of a man” he is. I have went with men of good stature in my community and have ended up with the short end of the stick behind closed doors. Be careful in dating the town “sweetheart”, because when things go wrong, nobody is going to believe you and you will end up being the “crazy” one.
I have absolutely no more trust left in me for a man. Not my doing. I wasn’t born this way. It took years to get this way. It took years of being lied to. It took years of being treated unimportant, and unneeded. It took years of putting myself last and putting them up on a pedestal. It took years of begging for the bare minimum, and being called a “nag” in doing so.
Now, I don’t care anymore. I want to be alone. I want to plan my days without a man in sight. I look in the mirror and I see a talented, strong, healthy, beautiful, spiritual, and determined woman standing on her own. I don’t need compliments. I don’t need to feel sexy. I am enough without a man’s approval.
I have felt this way for almost ten years now, and there is no turning back. I am on the right path for me. I am finally the most important thing in my life and I plan on keeping it that way. Call me bitter…I don’t care. Call me callous…I don’t care. Call me a “man-hater”…I don’t care. I am unaffected by the opinions of brainwashed women, and glorified men. I will leave this world a happy and satisfied woman who filled her life doing the things she wanted to do. Oh sure, I still hear how I will be lonely one day, but statistics show that women usually outlive men, and I will be alone anyway. That, and most men my age are starting to have health issues and I don’t want to spend the next twenty years playing nurse. I finally feel free. Why should I give the man who never gave me the time of day, all my attention just because they are ailing? I’m good enough for them when they are sick, but was never good enough when they were strong and virile men? Fuck that!
They spent their years chasing younger women, and now I am to settle and help feed them, bathe them, drive them to all their doctor appointments and stay home and babysit them? I love myself more than that. And I deserve better than that. I am nobody’s “better than nothing”. I still have a lot to offer in this world and I am giving it all back to me. The me that has been waiting to be loved for who she is. The me that deserves peace and feeling safe. No more angry men in my house. No more angry men in my life.
The Musings Of An Angry Woman 